Holmer Green FC Res 7-1 Winslow Utd Res
By Gareth Williams
Comprehensive cup win, with 7 different scorers on the sheet!
Saturday saw the next unfortunate team to step into the amphitheatre that is the NM Electrical Coliseum, this time the whipping boys happened to be Winslow United, with them came an impressive unbeaten record and a list of excuses as long as Baggys back hair. Manager Gareth Williams took time before the game to look back at his 20 year football career (first picked up a pair of boots at 15?) whilst barking at the team that them not wearing tracksuits makes him look scruffy. This all as he was passing out European knock off trackies out of his van like a watered down Del Boy.
A number of changes were made to the Reserve side for this game with players dropping down and allied lads making the step up. Mason Wright made his debut for the season, Webby returned, Joe Delloite fresh from a night out was back & Scotty had dropped in to an unfamiliar left wing role. Making way were Ad Seys who looked like he had enjoyed his honeymoon, Phil Clark who was hoping for his first minutes of the season, Stu and Adam Weedon who was playing away…
Due to unforeseen circumstances I missed the first goal but was reliably informed that it was a free kick expertly taken by one of the young Allied lads, turns out the young allied lad was actually the veteran Webby. The same supporter that told me this also told me that he was impressed with Joe Dolomites positioning at the back. Says it all really. Speaking of Joe Delmonte moments before the opening goal he was left rather red faced (may have been Friday nights whisky) after Spuds had attempted a nutmeg on the edge of the area which left the visiting number 9 to show Joe Deschamps a clean pair of heels and put the ball on a plate for his strike partner who with the whole goal to aim at managed to put it into Kingshill Village Hall.
The second goal came along just moments later, Scotty arrowed the ball perfectly in to Olis chest who expertly brought the ball down and slotted it past the hapless keeper. Cue utter tears from the visitors, at one point the visitors captain was politely asked to ensure his team formed an orderly queue whilst waiting for their milk and cookies.
Half time was met with jeers from the visiting bench. The same bench that remarked on the way off that “they can only beat us by cheating, its only the cup we are beating them in the league” cheers lads but its been two games and we have played both with 10 men… Phil. The gaffer asked at half time for a bit of calm and asked the lads to take a few minutes to think about things and gather their own thoughts, an absolute genius way of ensuring you don’t fumble any more quotes Gat.
Speaking of quotes, The Great Wayne Gretzky once said “you miss 100% of the shots you never take” (heard that somewhere else before) and this appeared to be advice that Luke Graham took on board whole heartedly as he slashed, thrashed, hooked, bobbled and under hit shots from every which angle. At one point his Opta Stats matched up perfectly with Phils, oh they still do. Both have zero goals.
From the half time onwards it was absolutely raining goals at the Coliseum. A looping header from Ben Heathers, a cute finish from Mason, a tidy chested finish from Mikey and a lovely finish from Nigel got us to 6-0. But a clean sheet was never quite assured and if I was a betting man I would think that Joe Delinquent and Mikey Benning were mixed up in some sort of betting syndicate with how the visitors came about their only goal, Joe Dentist was left flashing at air on the half way line after horribly miss timing his tackle and Mikey was left to do what he does best, go for an absolutely outrageous last ditch tackle that clears everything from the vicinity bar the striker and the football. This left poor Dan Little having flashbacks of his youth as he was left in a cold dark cramped space with just himself and his brother in a small pair of shorts defending his hole goal. 6-1.
Focus now must switch to the returning colossus that is Gary Goals. A deadline day switch to Chinnor was snubbed by Gaffer Gareth Williams stating that Goals would be his number 9 for the season and a player he wants to build around, I believe the word “marksmen” was used at some point. Second game back. Dropped. Now Goals could have reacted badly to this, he could have sent him a Monday morning text message demanding a reason for it, he could have sent a message expressing his disgust at being left out of a friendly and not given a chance despite producing no goals all season, he could have defecated on the gaffers bonnet, he may even have signed up to be assistant manager and then spent the foreseeable future travelling the world but Goals did none of those, he instead chose to wait patiently knowing that he would at some point get 15 attempts in a game and that with his strike ratio one of those would at the very least trouble the keeper and that is exactly what he did. 7-1, Goalsy goes mental, drops his shorts and shows Gat his manhood and asks if Gat has the balls to drop him now.
A 7-1 win didn’t quite show the dominance of the game really as Holmer put on an absolutely superb performance. Stand out performances from Nigel, Webby and Spudsy led the way but man of the match and probably man of the season has got to go to Mason. Not for what he did on the pitch but for just simply telling Phil to shut up.
Next week sees the return of Neil McMullen who has been given time off to recover from his Botox related injuries and sees the reserves travel to Mursley away to pick up another 3 points. And if you’re not busy on the Friday night then you will always find a friend in Nick Little who will be propping up the bar at the clubhouse clutching on to a bottle of Prosecco and demanding to know your voting tendencies.
Match reporter: Graeme Potts